Ice Cream Prices Rise; Left Proclaims "It's Bush's fault!"

The DNC has issued a press release accusing President Bush of "failing to protect the American consumer" from ice cream prices that are "record highs, the highest in the history of the universe!"

Various left-wing "think" tanks have produced studies claiming that the middle class will suffer the most from these catastrophic ice cream prices. "Who buys the most ice cream in the United States? It's the middle class, people like me," claimed Michael Moore, an extreme left-wing propagandist. "It's the robber barons who run the ice cream mills who profit out our expense. Regular guys like me will be shelling out hundreds of extra dollars that could have been going to health care or drugs that I need to lower my cholesteral."

Bob Woodward leaked a chapter from his forthcoming "The Frothy Cream Scandals" book which will detail the secret deals and back-room maneuverings that caused the price increases. He stated "my invisible friend sat in on all of these meeting, and I have the notes he took!" Woodward claims that the 'Good Humor Man" is really a mafiaso style strongman controlling much of the ice cream market in the Americas. "You've got these deals with the Good Humor Man, Hagen Daz, Nestle, Hershey, and even that innocent looking Elsie the Cow," Woodward writes. "And at the heart of this diabolical plot is the President of the United States. My invisible friend caught the President stating that he 'loved' ice cream and would 'do anything for a big dish in that Texas heat'. What more evidence does one need that impeachment proceedings are necessary?"

The Kerry campaign quickly issued talking points that their candidate both endorses and denies:

• These record high prices are part of a diabolical plot orchestrated by the President to harm women, children, minorities, the middle class and the French (makers of French vanilla ice cream).
  
• The President has cut a secret deal to lower ice cream prices after Labor Day, clearly an attempt to buy votes right before the election.
  
• I will cut the ice cream prices in half for the middle class, and support that move by increasing taxes on rich people like me. Um, I mean like President Bush.
  
• I will pass new legislation ensuring that diversity in the freezer is maintained. Only one case may be devoted to ice creams of the non-flavored variety. The rest must be flavored in some way, preferably in ways that appeal to women, children, minorities and the French.
  

When contacted for comment, the Bush administration could only muster a "what on Earth are you talking about?"

Clearly, the Republicans don't care about Americans!